Blogging outside the room

i am writing this blog in my friend's home. This is the first time i do blog outside my room. The feel is different as this is an open area with friends just few metres away. Tonight i will go to Tao again, with KF, FF, SF and others. hmmm... why go there again? haha.. i donno, really is for the waitress there? or just there is no other place to go? life, sometime is just a bit bore until you have no way to know what to do, where to go. Is this call 'lost'? hehe....

心冷了

由于近来太忙了，一眨眼已经快一个月没有在这里留下一言半句了。今天抽出一些时间在这里发发牢骚，呵呵，其实还有满多报告还没打完，但实在太懒惰了，假日还是先和朋友出去玩吧，其他的以后才想。

今天因为FF有约，KF塞车，结果第一次单独和SF在Gurney乱转找东西吃，最后还是决定去吃到怕了的金佳利。在停车场绕了6-7圈，幌了半个小时才找到停车位。然后看SF手忙脚乱的开我的推车，过后又顾头顾尾的帮这个帮那个，服务周到下。突然间有感而发，心里有几许无奈。

从以前的SM, 到后来的LT, Caroline, Sagi, YS, ST, ML, KY, 到现在SN, LH, FF, SF, 和我一起出去过的女孩子都会对我很好，照顾周到。我也知道他们只是出于一片朋友的关心，才会对我那么好。她们的关心与照顾，我觉得很感激高兴，也很温暖，但也有很多时候，我其实很讨厌这样。

我是一个寂寞的人，期待爱情，也渴望有一个我喜欢，也喜欢我的人对我好。她们对我的好，让我其实很感慨。不知什么时候，我才能找到我的命中注定来给我这份温暖。而她们之中，也有几位是我喜欢的类型。这种照顾关心如果是表现给普通的男孩子，可以很容易就知道一个女孩子是不是愿意给这个男孩子继续发展的机会。可是，放在我的情况，我分辨不出。自己喜欢类型的女孩子一直对自己如此照顾，就算明知道只是出于朋友的关心，久而久之也会有所期待吧。而我就被这种期待伤过太多次了。现在的我，心似乎已经冻结了，感激还在，但温暖的感觉没有了。除了谢谢，我不再去想别的。

现在的我，真的再也找不回那种纯纯爱一个人的感觉了，这就是成长吗？

Tao Lounge Night

Coffee Bean held his second Tao Buffet gathering last night. I didnt go for that as I was attended the first one 2 months ago. Around 6pm i departed to fetch KY and LF. As KF said he wanted to bring us to have special food as dinner in Butterworth, i decided to take ferry across the sea. This is the first time i took ferry after almost 3 yrs in Penang. Kind of interesting actually, by looking at the system they apply at jetty. All cars queue in rows before dock on the ferry. The workers sliding the block between rows to make sure the number of car do not exceed the quote. The system is primitive but i think is quite effective. However, the Penang is too far away for observation.

After we reached Butterworth, KF brought us to eat octopus and Char Koay Teow at Bagan Ajam. The food is not bad but out of my expectation. We continued later by fetching Zonlee and went to Tao. After we took our seats at lounge, KM and HF arrived. Happily HF willing to sit beside me as i requested. I ordered 1 pint of KilKenny, which is a beer that i didnt take it for quite some time.

Whole night i talked to HF most of the time, and then YSL joined us afterward. I sat very close and tight to HF, hehe.. I think this is the first i take initiative to do that. I was not sure she was comfortable or not, maybe she doesnt dare to sit with me again next time, haha.. I requested to take a photo with her, and then YSL did that as well. Very obviously YSL is interests on HF, and this is the second time he approaches girl i interesting too. Anyway, his chance is always higher than me and i actually do not expect much from HF as well. I keep the reason as secret here. One of the good thing of last night was i discovered HF's leg is quite beautiful, as i sat very close with her. My body having her perfume smell as well afterward, haha.. I am not sure what brand of perfume she is using, smell nice.

There were a lot of people, joining the Tao buffet. few are not familiar with. Met LHKPop, AmyTeng, LX, and others who long time never see. We were home around 1.30am.

遥远的初恋

时隔7年，今天我终于见到了我遥远的初恋对象，ET，哈哈。好久都没有那么高兴了，因为毕竟圆了我7年的梦。当年她差一点就成为了我的情人，虽然这是我人生里久久未能平复的遗憾，但我不得不承认，当年不成熟的我其实并不适合和她在一起。这7年来，我们都保持着好朋友的关系，但在我心里，她一直都存在着一个特别的位置，虽然很多时候我们都因为太忙而不经意的忽略的对方。

她终于答应和我见面，是因为她即将跳飞机到英国去，很难确定她还会不会回来。说实话，如果这一生都没有见过她，这将会是我除了不能很好的孝顺父母之外，这一辈子最大的遗憾。

她到达见面地点之前，我有点紧张。在喜欢的人面前我会很难说话，是很多朋友都知道的弱点。虽然和她以朋友身份相对了那么多年，但我心里还是会对她有些许期待，有机会的话，我真的想要再追求她一次。当她终于出现在我的视线时，我心里的感觉不知要怎么形容。她与我想象中的一样，是一个有气质，充满吸引力的女生。我的眼光果然不差，哈哈哈。。。

东拉西扯的聊了一通，我的口才果然还是有待加强。按我的要求，她带了相机。终于我们有了第一张合照，很希望这不会是最后也是唯一的一张。可惜拍照的时候靠的不够近，呵呵。。。

无论如何，很感谢她特地老远的架了一个小时的车来见我。希望她在英国一切顺利，也希望我和她有缘会再见面。再会了，我的梦中初恋。

照片

昨晚拿到了HF的friendster, 拿了她很多照片，哈哈， 好高兴。。。。

也不知道从什么时候开始，我开始喜欢收集喜欢的人的照片，而且是大量的收集。看看我的收藏，其实也不算多啦，到现在为止真正有去用心收集的只有LT, ET, ZY, 和刚刚的HF。

ET的照片从5年前起断断续续的收集3年左右，但数量不多，主要是因为她不肯给。不少照片都是要求了好久才勉强给我的。但从去年开始我已经很少和她要照片了，越来越懒惰和她耗那么多时间，只为了一张照片。ZY的照片呢从今年3月开始收集的。其实我也不知道收集她的照片来干吗，因为打从认识她我就知道她不可能会喜欢我，对她的感觉其实更像是对待妹妹那样。她现在也有了一位常常今天吵，明天好的男朋友，但还是时不时会去偷拿她msn的头像，收来好玩，哈哈。

LT的照片则留给我最多回忆。她应该是和我合照过最多的女生吧。当初追求她时的最后半年，她一直逃避和我见面。不知有多少个寂寞的夜晚，我只能对这她的照片叹息。她不告而别之后，我也只能看着她的照片流泪。现在，我已经很少再去翻看那些照片了。

至于HF,其实应该算刚认识不久吧，喜欢她身上有的一股气质。但她心里还一直挂念着前男友。

现在想想，也不知道是不是因为一直都认为我喜欢的人都不会喜欢自己，所以才会想要收集她们的照片，寂寞的时候至少可以看看照片，傻瓜似的单相思一下，哈哈。。。。

Delicious food .. hehe

Last night a friend sent me many of her cooking pictures for me to see, haha... All the food she prepared look so nice and delicious, made me so hungry during midnight, blek ... whoever able to marry her definitely can live happily with all kind of delicious food, wahaha...

Well, from her products, i guess she cook quite frequently. Not many girls among my friends do that. Girls nowadays are busy with works, studies, shopping, TV, even sleep, but no much time for kitchen. Almost 30-40% of my female friends cant really cook except maggie mee and fried eggs, and i have quite number of male friends who can cook quite well. In fact thats would be great if both guys and women can cook, or at least one cooking and the other one willing to help in kitchen. The foods outside are always nutrition imbalance and not healthy. Furthermore, work together in kitchen together, isn't that sweet?? kekeke...

自说自话

人生之所以难，都因为世间事多不从人愿。。

论生活，太无聊，难；太忙碌，难；没有钱，难；太有钱，有一点点难
论感情，没人爱，难；爱错人，难；有人爱，可能会相处难；太多人爱，选择难；爱太多人，分身难

人都执著失去和拥有，结果很多容易的事都变难了。。 简单的生活复杂了。。。 最好，还是看开点

人应该进取，但不能贪心；
人应该知足，但不能冷漠；

说了这么多，就只为了安慰自己，尽力就好，不要强求

在感情路上，朋友都说我不是一个有条件去挑的人。以前我并不相信，而且也一直认为只要努力，用心，我喜欢的人就会感觉得到。不过在经历了许多之后，我才发觉出色的外在条件面前，其实真的可以抵消掉不少性格上的不足，让人较容易接受。渐渐的，我也接受了这样的事实，虽然我心里还是有着很多的愤慨。

在各个方面我都很能够鼓起自信，因为我今天拥有的一切都是我一步一脚印争取回来的。但唯一在感情路上，我的心已经迷失了很久。唯一让我骄傲的就是我还坚持着自己信念，不对现实低头。。。

好像有点乱了。。我也不知道自己在说什么。。 哈哈

[一升的眼泪]主题曲[Only Human] 歌词翻译

词 ：小山内舞 曲：松尾洁 。田中直 唱：K

在悲哀的对岸 据说可以找到微笑
好不容易到达后
在那里到底有什么等待我们？？

并不是为了逃避而踏上旅程
而是为了追求梦想
在那个遥远的夏天

纵使因为预见未来而失去斗志
现在也像逆流而上的孤舟一样
继续向前走

在痛苦的尽头 据说幸福正在等待
我还在寻觅 随着季节变幻而散落的向日葵

紧握着拳头等待朝阳来临
在透红的手后 眼泪悄然落下

孤独也能习惯的话 依靠着月光的指引
展开那双失去羽毛的翅膀高飞
继续往更远的地方前进

雨云散退后 濡湿的路上闪耀生辉
就像在黑暗中引导我的强光
让我可以更加坚强的继续前进

[一升的眼泪]

这一次回柔佛度假，终于一口气看完了这一部我一直没有机会观赏的连续剧。[一升的眼泪]， 不愧为日本史上催泪榜上排名第一的电视连续剧，让我频频忍不住为剧里的主角[亚也]掉下眼泪。眼泪不完全只是因为同情她，让我真正感动的，是她对生命的热爱，挑战命运的勇气；也更加因为，我在剧里看到了以前的自己。

在维基百科，我找到了以下关于故事真正的主角[木藤亚也]的资料：

## 住在愛知縣豐橋市的木藤亞也（きとう あや、1962年7月19日-1988年5月23日），中學3年級的時候，因為突然跌倒等的身體不協調狀況，在光生會醫院接受診治，被醫生診斷患上「脊髓小腦萎縮症」，一種會逐步奪去行動及說話能力，直至身體機能完全停止的不治之症。
脊髓小腦萎縮症，是一種小腦、腦幹、脊髓等神經器官逐漸萎縮的疾病，致病原因至今不明。患者會由不能好好地使用筷子、容易跌倒等症狀開始，隨着病情惡化，逐漸變得不能行走和不能執筆書寫，最終進展至不能說話及需要臥床。最惡劣的情況下患者更會以死亡告終。而即使小腦、腦幹、脊髓萎縮，大腦正常的機能與及智力均完全不受影響。總括而言，患者能清楚認知到身體逐漸變得不能活動的事實。就意義上來說，這是一種非常殘酷的疾病。木藤亞也就這樣在身體狀況持續變壞但意識上沒有任何變化此一現實的夾縫中生存。
在其與疾病對抗直到雙手不能再用筆書寫期間所寫下的日記，經結集後在1986年由名古屋市FA出版株式會社出版了單行本。2005年2月再由幻冬舍出版文庫本，合計銷售超過120萬部。
1988年5月23日，因為病情惡化造成的衰弱，加上併發尿毒症，木藤亞也結束了25年短暫的人生。之後，亞也的母親木藤潮香以對女兒的回憶為基礎，寫成並出版了《人生的障礙》一書。##


15 – 25岁，是一位少女人生里最灿烂的阶段，偏偏病魔悄悄的找上了她。电视剧里她在知道自己的病情后问了妈妈和医生 [为什么是我？ 。。。 命运这个理由，根本不能让人接受] 。 曾几何时，我也有过这样的愤慨。没有人会给我答案，也没有人可以给我答案，似乎，也没有其他的答案了吧。时间不会回头，[放弃]，或[面对]，成为了她，也成为了我，要继续以后人生的路必须要做的最重要抉择。

随着剧情的发展，我发觉在[亚也]的努力和勇气面前，我变得好微不足道。从能够走路，到行动不方便，慢慢的要靠轮椅，生活上不得不让人照顾，每天做着物理治疗，之后完全不能走路，必须躺在床上。。。 她经历的，是一条与我完全相反的过程。对于一个原本健全健康的少女来说，这是多么的残酷。然而，她却可以一次一次又一次的鼓励自己，没有放弃过，她所经历过的内心挣扎，是我完全无法想象的。故事里有一段对白让我感触很深：

## 今天，我做了一个梦 我一直做的一个梦，在梦中我可以走路，可以跑步，自由行动 就像第一次遇到你的时候那样，但是，今天的梦不是这样的 我坐在轮椅上，在梦中，我也成了行动不便的人 对于自己身体的状况，即使想承认了 却在心底里，或许还是没有承认，虽然我就是这样的 ##

这段话说明了[亚也]终于打从心里接受了现实的自己。我必须承认，对于生理上残疾的我们来说，接受现实的自己是挑战人生的第一步。无论嘴上说了几千遍，但如果心里不能面对自己，就不可能活得快乐。或许，不只是我们，世上的任何一个人都应该如此吧。坦然面对自己，从心里出发，才能够拥有真正的勇气征服每一个困难。

对于生病后周围冷漠，歧视的眼光，剧里也进行了一定的描述。我不会说剧里的表现手法夸张，因为这一切我也经历过。在接受现实的自己之后，首先最大的冲击就是要面对周围的人的眼光。对于这一点，很惭愧的我还不能做得很好。也许男生的自尊心还是比较强吧，一定程度上，我还是很介意一些歧视的评价。当然，我不会花时间去计较。因为这些人根本什么也不懂，胡乱的评价只会显得他们是多么的无知。

至于剧里现实与友情的冲突，我不想置评。毕竟朋友能做的始终有限。人生是自己的，最后，也就还是必须由自己去走。

由于身体健康每况愈下，[亚也]在生命里放弃了好多好多原本属于自己的东西。看电影，到公园游玩，旅行，恋爱，学业，朋友，以至最后必须完全住院，离开家庭。。。。 虽然，在生命的旅途上我也放弃过好多的东西。童年，游玩，旅行，恋爱。。。但那些似乎原本就不属于我，也就少了分失去的痛吧。而我原本唯一拥有的，我的家，我的父母，我的兄弟姐妹，到现在依然在我左右。我忽然觉得，我好幸福。而比起[亚也]，更幸福的是我在放弃的同时，我也用我的努力获得了好多好多，我的朋友，事业。。。 在[亚也]的意志面前，我似乎变得连伤心哭泣的资格都没有了。。。

[永远不轻易放弃]，是我一直走到现在的座右铭。但[亚也]用了更温柔的词句展现了这一份坚毅：

## 人不该活在过去，只要做现在力所能及的事情就好了 跌倒后可以顺便仰望一下天空蓝蓝的天啊今天也在无限的延伸朝着我微笑我还活着”##

[活着，就是幸福]。也许你不同意。。。 但如果我在你的生命里加上一个期限，10年，5年，甚至一年，你是不是也会发出同样的感叹呢？ 。。。

剧里有两张[木藤亚也]的照片我想在这里分享

这一张应该是[亚也]在做物理治疗时努力的从地上爬起的照片吧。这个照片让我看到了10多年前自己，同样的情形，同样的表情。我想说的是 [爬起来，不管多困难，因为人生是你自己的。。。]

这一张则是[亚也]16岁时上高中的照片。原本我以为当时她已经知道自己的病情，所以做出这样的手势表示自己不怕困难。但资料显示她从14岁发病，一直到18那年才被告知真正的病因。无论如何，我还是很喜欢这张照片。一起努力吧。

何苦不甘心

人 执著
是为了信念 是为了坚持
还只是 因为不甘心

电台主播 侃侃而谈着
人 最放不下的
不是感情 不是名利
而是 那份不甘心

事业失败了 懊恼 愤慨
因为不愿辛苦的心血付诸东流
真的那么热爱那份工作吗？
真的只有这领域能成功吗？
却不知重新开始 可以再创高峰

爱人变心了 哭泣 堕落
因为舍不得多年的付出石沉大海
真的那么爱他吗？
没有她之前是怎么活的？
却不知放开自己 新天地就在眼前

人 到底是放不下别人 还是放不下自己？

Love in a thousands days

Last night was the Mooncake Festival for Chinese. I called up PR, Denis, CJ, Jet, CL, ST and others for dinner. Well, PR was just broken up with her bf, which lasted long for 5 years. The main purpose i called up the gathering was wanted to let her had a wonderful night with good friends. Thus she wont be alone in home and thinking for sad things. Everything looked fine. She seem quite happy with friends around. However, she started behaved weird after we shifted place to Vspot. I found that she was very quiet and looked tension there. I would like to do something but i didnt know how.

After a while she was missed up. But Jet told me that she was talking phone at my car and so i didnt do anything. After around 20 minutes ST went to my car and came back said that PR was disappeared. Everyone started became nervous and looked around for her. Denis, which is her best friend among us, called her up. He then told us that she was home with her friend. Everyone then back to sing and I still felt a bit worry about her. Today i only managed to know that she actually affected by the songs there. Most songs sang there were love songs. She couldnt control herself anymore under such environment. Hm... I should notice that early...

I dont know much about her and her bf. I only been told that her bf found a new gf and wants to break up with her. 5 years relationship, which is 1800+ days, end up with only a sms. I dont understand, how people now treat about their relationship. To me, it sounds too irresponsible. I only hope that she can be alright soon.

Untitled, again....

Recently life is a bit messed up. Sick for whole week last week. A lot of work seem waiting me to do. So tired.

Well... i wondering, want to go back JB, or continue to stay here.....

Finally :)

A lot of things happened for the last 2 weeks. After observation on both ML and PY, i decided to give up both them. They are not really suitable to me. My friend said that i am crazy as they might be the only chances i can get a gf as ML especially got feel towards me. Well, in fact i tried to accept ML. But eventually i couldnt convince myself that she is the girl i want to find. My friend criticised me that i have actually no much room for choices. However, why i need to force myself to be together with a girl that i have no much feel and eventually making both of us sad?

I actually really feel relax now. :) i still prefer to love ppl, and together with the girl i want to be.

Taiping Teambuilding

Today i went to Taiping with my group members for teambuilding. I actually slept quite late last night, around 2am. Thats why i was so relunctant to wake up this morning. When i woke up, i found it was raining and i was so happy. With raining day i can late to work and then use that as an excuse to not go to teambuilding and sleep more.

I sms JC - my manager, and kenny around 8am to inform that the rain had blocked me from go to office and so would not join the teambuilding, and would go to work after the rain stopped. They supposed to depart around 8.30am. I went back to sleep after sent out the sms. I think i only slept for couple of minutes then i heard my phone rang. JC called me ==" and told me that rain had stopped. OMG! The rain stopped right on 8.25am! .. I told JC that it was quite late for me to go join them as only 5 minutes left for departure. But JC told me that they can wait me.... ah... no choice, i wolde up and change cloth and rush to office in 20 minutes. ......

The journey was not bad. We went to Taiping lake. They pedal the cute swan boat around the lake. Then we went to muzeum. But the muzeum was closed due to electricity black out. What a coincidence. After that we went to Legend Inn for lunch. After lunch we went to Taiping zoo to show our faces to animals... lastly, we ate cendol there and home.

Well, teambuilding is an good event. It let us to know each other more and hopefully by that may improve the teamworking spirits. Hmm.. not a bad day for me, at least no need to work ;)

ST birthday celebration

I called up a gathering at Tao Lounge in Autocity last night to celebrate birthday for ST. There were around 13 people attended, more than i expected. The moment we reached there, our seats were been taken by other customers who reached earlier. Well, we had to wait until they finished their meal.

When we got our place, ST's friend, SJ was singing birthday song for ST. We joined her together and cheered the atmosphere there. After that ST had her first rest session and we had a lot of photo session. CJ ordered Bombay and made us cocktails. PR was the one said she want to be drunk from start, and she did that. She was the only one down last night, hehe... I think she having something not happy. Well, but i shouldnt ask much i think.

ST asked CJ went on stage to sing last night as her birthday present. He sang quite well. Then we taken out cake and sing birthday song for ST for 2nd time, LOL.... after finish sing and blow the candles, we only found that we taken wrong cake... haha.. then

we replace the cake we bought and... sing the birthday song third time... ZH said on stage that ST aged for 3 yrs in one night, LOL.... then the funny part was, PR they bought magic candles that damn hard to be blown off. The candle would flame again as long as it still having little heat on its tip. ST blowed the candles for 3 minutes on stage but couldnt blow all them off, made everyone there laugh.

After that we had supper in McD until 2am. PR was almost black out and only slept on table there until we almost back. Hopefully she will be alright soon.

Lastly, wish ST happy birthday.

Merdeka!!! Merdeka !!!

Different from last year, i went to autocity to count down independent day last night. I attended Coffee bean Tao Japanese buffet gathering first there. I ate a lot as the food is really not bad. But the price is expensive lo.... When we looked down the roads outside from second floor, there were cars everywhere and jam both at the exit and entrance. Really felt amazing with the crowd.

After the buffet dinner we met Chamelleon, Adeline, Panda and their sister at starbucks. We chat until midnight and right at 12am, fireworks took place in the sky. However, the fireworks was not wonderful as what i can see in JB during chinese new year. We chat until 1am and then dismissed.

On the way home, i heard the independent day speech from our prime minister through radio. Well, Malaysia is good country. But the governing is really hard to get my good comment. Hopefully they can improve one day, eventhough i personally really feel its hard. Anyway, happy birthday to Malaysia, Merdeka!!!

In love?

I was been very busy with work and ML for this 2 weeks and so didnt update here for some time. I had been work until 7pm-8pm everyday and then go to ML house to help her and CC to troubleshoot their computer problem. The time i reached home already 12am. After bath, check a bit mails, do some preparation for next day work, it was always 2am and i only managed to sleep for 4-5 hours a day. I was damn tired the whole week.

The relationship between me and ML is improve a lot as she finally approached me and confessed that she was confused with her feeling towards me. She couldnt determine whether she is like me or not. I told her that dont waste time on analysing that but just let everything develope naturally. When the time is come, we will know it.

In fact i havent determine my own feeling as well, whether she is the girl i am looking for. She is actually very nice girl, but too bad, my feel towards her is not strong. She is a very simple girl, she doesnt know what is romantic, how to flirt, tame like a sheep, and studying buddism sincerely. She inspires me that, am i like bad girl more? A bad girl does able to give me a lot fire sparks i think.

But back to realistics, i might never meet a nice girl like her if i give up this round..... hmmm... i need make up my mind faster...

2007 Astro Talent Quest

I went to 2007 Astro Talent Quest on last Saturday, for my beloved SHE, hehehe.... I tried to ask for tickets from my friends since weeks ago but seen it was hard to get. Luckily Kee got extra tickets from his friend who work as dancer for the show. He actually gave the tickets to CC, her bf and HL. But due to transport problem HL pulled out last minute and i coincidently take over her place.

We actually arrived early but the venue was already crowded. A big crowd jam in front of the Zone C entrance but the door was locked. We wait until the show started but the door was not open yet and no sign that it would be opened. The crowd started to make noise and even people breaking the door. Eventually the door broken and people sneaked in. I and CC, her bf went the hall through another entrance which the guard refused to let us in at first place. But after show i heard that there were quite many people went in without tickets as all the guards disappeared not long after the show started. There were even people walked straight to the very front of stage. ==" damn, they can see SHE so near!!!!!! i got ticket but had to see them so far away from second floor, aiks!

The show was considered successful. The stage design was great, colourful and attracting. Sound system was good as well. Watched the show live was really different with watch it on TV at home. I enjoyed myself especially when i saw my beloved SHE. Yeah.... haha....

Am i really became a playboy?

Well, i am very surprise to hear LH said that ML is thinking about want to accept me or not... After hearing this i actually not really feel happy, instead, i feel a bit worry... Frankly, i did not do much on ML, besides bought her meal once, celebrated her birthday with a bunch of friends, helped her to install windows on computer and visited her twice in her working place. The main reason i do not feel happy is because i found that i cant communicate with her well enough. I had been always feeling there is a gap between us. Thats why i never expect she will put me into consideration. This had put me into dilemma, as there is another girl also approaching me at the same time, PY. PY is an active, cheerful girl and able to joke. Both of them are totally opposite characters. Well, i never intentionally make this situation happens. If i am really a playboy i will just take both of them right? ... haha... but.. i dont want to do that... a good wife or a good lover... hmmm...

Anyway, maybe i am just thinking too much. At the end both of them might reject me, and i got neither of them. Hehe....

Lets see hows thing going on ...

Sick

I caught flu on saturday noon and started to sneeze non-stop. After came back home at midnight for ML birthday supper meet, i found that i got little bit fever. The fever was not getting better the next day and i called CJ to accomapany me to clinic for medicine. I got 2 days MC on this. Now i am getting better and recovering. :)

Busy life might be better for me

Recently is still busy with work at day. I try to make my life to be busy at night as well, by studying some investment skill, of course, to earn more money. After trying many ways to shoot more money i really felt that rely on my ownself is better. Somemore busier life left me lesser time to think of meaningless thingy. hmmm... ya... earn more money always better, even though you dont know why you have to, right?

珍惜自己的健康

最近发现现代人好像很多病痛，一个两个动不动就生病，有些更是严重到令人担心。。。

眼前的就有两个超级严重的。一个整天头痛呕吐，一个整天说自己不舒服，还担心以后不能生孩子了。。。 啊。。。 最糟糕的是两个都很固执，哄的骗的，软的硬的都试过，打死就是不肯看医生，都不知道要说什么了。。

我其实很不喜欢不懂得照顾自己，不珍惜自己健康的人。。。 四肢健全，能跑能跳的，就应该好好珍惜身体，享受人生。。。 像我要这样的基本的权利都没有的人，她们还真的是身在福中不知福啊。。。 希望她们身体真的没什么问题，开开心心的。。。 最好是我白操心了

A woman with baby

i told LT that i would woo her again if she coming back to Penang. However, she bluffed me that she has a son. I actually suspected she was bluffing me, but i still think about it seriously, and eventually i replied her that i dont mind. As usual she said i am crazy...

Anyway, from her way of talk i can feel that she doesnt like me until now. Ya, i know, she wont love me, no matter what i done... Maybe, i am just not a lovable guy.

离别，爱过的证据

也许是我多愁善感吧，看了几集局集，又有些许感触。。。

生活上的许多无奈，令许许多多原本应该美满的姻缘无疾而终。。。凡人的生命，即好比坟前跳舞，无论一生荣耀，或是一生潦倒，最终都会终结。。其中的爱，更是不在话下。。。两个人的差距，又岂是时间空间可以衡量的。。。永远，是真正的永远，抑或是天地一瞬间，又有谁能够承诺。。。心要离开，还爱不爱着对方，已不再重要。。。

人们喜爱桃花盛放，但又有多少人知道盛放之后，还有凋零。。。爱也是一样；有相聚时候的快乐，也要承受离别的痛苦。。。 桃花凋零，人们舍不得，话言匆匆，但这是它们的一生啊。。。一个人一辈子的付出，会不会对另一个人而言，亦是匆匆而以呢？

有多爱，离别就有多痛，这就是爱曾经存在的标记。。。越是痛，它越是存在。。。

心动，则意动法动。。。 如果真心相爱，心中所想的人，就能够感受得到。。。 若要他离别后一路逍遥，切记在他走的时候，不要望着他，不要呼唤他，也不要想着他，让他不能找到任何据点回头；既要离别，又何苦让他继续把心系在你身上，一辈子遗憾呢？ 。。。 我非常鄙视那些明明存心要走，却又声泪俱下，七情上面说着：“我爱你，可惜我不能和你在一起”。。。如果真的爱她，又为何要继续收起她的心，让她可能错过其他好姻缘呢？

Drive in Sleep

Last friday was too tired with teambuilding and then gathering in Bukit Mertajam. After came back from teambuilding i went to Tesco to have my dinner and bought convocation gift for Caroline. I reached Autocity around 9.30pm and passed Caroline her gift. We had around 30 minutes chat in car until she joined her friends in Roxbury. Glad to know her found a new boyfriend, a very handsome yet nice guy. Wish her all the best. I continued to BM later to join Klinsmann gathering. Well, it was a bit shocked me as there were 30+ people attended. We hang around until 12.30am and i drove back. I was too tired the day until i fall into sleep when driving on bridge. The moment i woke up the car was still moving at 90km/h speed and almost knocking cones placed at roadside. Luckily i able to turn my steering back in time to avoid accident. ==" i fallen into sleep another 2 times along coastal highway after that again, but luckily the car was moving safely on road. hehehe.... phew~ damn lucky

Carnival Water Park

My department had a teambuilding at Sg. Petani Carnival Water Park last friday. I think most of us had a lot of fun there. Anyway, it was very tiring for me. The thing i want to complain here are their food, they were damn salty and sucks.

Down syndrome

Suddenly i have a feeling want to go back JB, i mean permanently shift back and work there. I am kind of tired of life here, even though i have quite a lot of friends here. I do really hate to come back home here as the only activity i can do in home is online and work. I need someone caring me i think. My family is too far away. Sometime i have kind of feel that i am left behind and nobody will even notice if die inside my room. This is a hard decision to make though.

New opportunity

There are 3 people leaving my group. It seems that my group is really upseting most of us. In fact i do not feel my future in the group is good as well before this. The management is bad, job nature itself is bad, work load itself is also bad. To be frank, i do really feel leaving the group is a bright choice unless i going to stay in the group forever until retire. However, i start to change a little bit of my view today. As people moving out, i become one of the senior here. My job scope widen as i start to take over their jobs. I had been busy with my work for last 2 weeks. This is the first time i do feel i am "working" after 2 years here. I admit it is stress, but at least i feel no guilty anymore taking my salary.

Untitled

i called my junior few days ago. She is interests to know whether LT will come back penang after read my blog, and she asked me am i still loving her much. Well, i dont know how to answer her. Deeply in heart, LT is still the girl i want to be together the most. If one day in future there will be someone loving me, i hope she is the person. But in realistics is, i do looking for gf. I did approach girl (ST). I really confused, am i still qualified to say that i am loving her. Life always sucks, it will never goes as what we are hoping for. i not sure how many people in this world is living happily with the one they love most in their life, but i believe that most of the people are not. Even LT does come back, will i approach her again? i really dont know. I dont want to put her into dilemma again. I know that i did bother her too much ago.

Busy with work

Recently is busying with work. I not sure how much i can handle, but i am trying my best. I not sure is my personal problem, or the environment here has made me boring, i dont have any motivation in completing my taks. Feel like lost my way since long time ago.

Up and down

After few days of extremely good luck, bad luck haunts me this 2 days. Market share dropping, company share dropping, it seem like taking back all the things i gained. Everything is back to normal. This is what we call life right? Up and down, the only thing we have at the end might be only memory and experiences.

"You are the best friend can ever have"

I took a test today and it given me result above. LOL, the result just matches my situation perfectly. Almost all people who know me said that i am very good friend. Even all the girls rejected me used it as an excuse, "you are the best friend i can ever have", and they really do. Everytime they have problem, quarrel with bf, this or that, they will find me. Sigh...

Well, i know i am not attractive. Maybe is true that i will only have a lot of friends in my life, but not a gf. I think i am getting use to be alone already. Its bad, but not too bad la, still can survive.

Coming back?

LT told me today she is considering to come back Penang or moving to singapore. Well, I dont know why suddenly she think about to come back. It was been more than a year i didnt see her. In fact i feel its better for her to go Singapore than coming back, even though i hope so much to see her again. I really dont know what kind of feel i will have if i really meet her again one day. I buried everything about her deep in my heart, I am so afraid of dig it out again.

飚车

昨晚心情很不好，在回家时的一段路上猛踩油门，时速最高去到了130公里。路上当时还有一些车子和电单车。左避右闪的，还踩了两次紧急刹车。 呵呵，那种命悬一线的感觉，还真的是一种不错的发泄。但以后还是最好不要这样了，自己死了不要紧，万一伤害到了别人就太不应该了。

1 year of Blogging

17th June, my blog's birthday. My blog was 1 yr old now. hmmm... how surprise i am able to discipline myself to blog for a year...

Should I sad?

Recently i was been very good luck, i mean for my fortune. I won money 3 night straight from football, my unit trust keep climbing high as share market is bullish, even my intel share jump up USD$1 today! .. ya, everytime when money come into my pocket for no reason, i know i would be failed in my court again.

It proven true today as ST put in her msn nick that indicated me we only can be friend.. hmmm... well, i respect her decision. I dont know should i sad or not as i actually never confess to her and she never reject me as well, so, what i am sadding for? ... sigh...

Gorgeous

I went to Halo Cafe in Autocity with Pyen and Kebe last night, as a dinner celebration for Kebe. We were the first customers arrived, lol. After dinner we stay there had some chat until ST came. She looked gorgeous last night, with a scarf around her neck. I think workers in Halo were quite excited with her dress, lol.

Pyen and Kebe left before first round rest. I decided to stay as its been quite days i didnt see her. She sang quite few songs i dedicated, and her performance was great last night. I enjoyed very much there even though i stayed until very late and i knew i would be very tired for work on next day.

I was the last person left the cafe. Her partner even asked me how i could stay so late if i have to work the next day, lol. I wanted to wait her actually but she seem still wanted to practice some songs there even the performance was ended. I decided to leave without waiting her as if i really waited her, there will be big rumour among the cafe workers about me and her, which i feel, may have negative impact to her work there.

There were couples of guys last night that dedicated songs to her and captured her video. More or less i felt jealous, of course .. keke.. but this also showed that my taste is not bad right? haha....

hmm... too bad i dont have camera to get her picture, sigh....

Balancing myself

Last wednesday was went out in big group to Kulim for dinner. Surprisingly ST was joined us as well, because ahe told me that she wanted to go Halo to see Tank. Kingfisher and Kenny purposely arranged her to sit beside me (i think most of them knowing that i like ST). I tried to start some topics with ST but seem i still couldnt talk with ST freely like others. Instead, i joked more with Sagi and Tcgien, same for ST, she talked and joked with them more.

I really dont know that how to attract her attention. I am really sucks in talking with the girl i like. Kingfisher and Kenny said that i am too caring about her feeling, worrying i would say something that offended her, thats why i could talk freely with her. Well, i admit that, this is what i should take care and change. Relax and let everything be natural, dont expect too much, but keep myself motivated and caring her. This really sound hard ya.

Saturday i went to Eden handicap center charity sales with Kooiyen and chunjin. After that i went to autocity to see car roadshow, met Kenny, Kingfisher, and Xiaowenzai there. ST was working on her assignment on Island and said that might find us if she finished early. However, everyone wanted to go home early, so i called Chamelleon and Panda out to have a night tea. We chat until 11.30pm, but didnt get any news from ST. Thus we dismissed and went home.

Sunday i went out with Chamelleon, egg, adeline and Panda to Redbox. I called ST up but she said she not yet finished her assignment and need to work on it until night. In noon i got her sms saying that she would have programme shooting (their assignment is shooting a programme aka Amazing race, did i mention that she is studying Broadcasting? ) just outside gurney plaza. After singing we went to the place they work. They were seem quite professional, with all the equipments, scripts, director... of course, i saw ST :) but i didnt go down as they were busy and was not so convenient to me. But Chamelleon them went down and said hi to her. I just waved hand to her and she responsed to me as well. A short moment later we left the place.

I trying to not go too agressive on her as i feel this will scare her away. I need to balance myself between my feel and action while taking care her feeling as well. I dont know whether this is the right way, but, this is the best way i can think of. I am not daring enough to go straight forward as this will make both of us feel embarass especially if she is not interest on me at all.

Anyway, i need to keep telling myself that let everything be natural, dont expect too much..... hmmm... a phrase that i not really like actually...

Rumour

There are rumours started about me and ST. I not sure whether is it someone had read my blog or diary and spread it out there. I am actually fine with it, but i just have the concern ST would be disturbed. Anyway, my junior told me that rumour is just fine and will not affect her if she is interested on me as well. I am just wondering how true this statement is. I just hope that these guys would know the limit and wont go too far.

Actions?

I visited ST in her working place for 5 times in last 8 days, including last friday to sunday 3 days straight! Well, i not sure whether this is a bit too much, but i sure this is kind of obvious for my motive right?

On friday night i was sent her a rose from young kid florist who selling roses in lounge. Too bad i realised the next she thought the rose was given by Kenny, as he was with me in the lounge that time. Kingfisher clarified with her the flower was sent by me. I not sure how she felt when she knew that was from me.

As usual whenever kingfisher was there i have no chance to talk with her. They like to tease on each other and hard to go into their topics. I not sure but i feel that she not really dare to joke on me, as she took initiative to joke with Zonlee which is even rarely talk compare to me, but she not did that to me. Am i looked too serious? i think i tried my best to smile as much as i could.

Anyway, last sunday was a bit special as i went visited her alone. In fact i didnt plan to go as i felt i visited her too much. But i got her call said that she was caught in jam and would late to work. Ya, i also heard that bridge was terribly jam last night. I was thinking what would happen if she was very late? thus i decided to go check the situation there out.

Her working hour is 9pm-1am. As i reached there around 9.30pm, she was already performing in there, thus i guessed she was not late much. Since i already there, so i decided to go in. I sit behind a glass window and i thought she saw me. After the 1st round rest i only knew that she didnt notice me. Well, to notify her someone was there, i dedicated few songs to her. Eventually she found me, hehehe.

It was a bit weird as i was the only one person sitting alone. I not sure am i look boring as a lot of waiter looked at me. I had a short talk with her when she was taking second round rest. It was rain after that. Oh man that was very bad for me as i cant get into my house if rain is heavy. Luckily the the rain stopped right before she ended her performance. She sang a few songs that required well trained skill and quite impressed me. She actually singing quite nice. Wondering will she have a chance to has her own album in future.

The moment she accompanied me to car, she nagged me a little bit for go visit her alone, and never notify her. I not sure is that mean she was worrying about me, or just, mean nothing. hmm.....

Portable Lamp Post

I went out with ST and kingfisher twice this week. They are very very good friend which close enough to joke everything including loving each other. Most of the time they let me (or most of us in the gang) feel that they are a couple. The way they talk, action, leave no room for me to get in. Well, felt that i was an extra guy who shouldnt exist, in between them. First time in my life that i really feel i am such a big portable lamp post.

无题

追女人就像买彩票，有人一买就中，有人一辈子在等，有人常常中，有人守得云开见月明，有人甚至可能莫名其妙的捡到中奖的彩票！

所以我知道，我不是一个幸运的人

A memorable weekend

Last weekend was kind of special. I think i was with Sok Theng (I hope i spell her name correctly) almost all the time for both saturday and sunday excluded the time i stayed in home.

I went to ST's home in Bukit Mertajam on saturday with kingfisher, after i shopped grocery in new opened Tesco Extra. She actually invited us to watch she and Sheue Ni practicing belly dance. Its interesting as i never see any such of dance personally unless video. I was late for 1.5 hour as i spent too much time on shopping, LOL. I was nagged by her for a while once she saw me. She living in a shoplot house, the design is a bit weird for me. Very quickly she prepared sandwiches for both of us while SN reached.

After that this 2 young ladies just dumped us in the kitchen and they practiced their dance in room. Hey, something was wrong right? We were invited there to see dance. After some boring moment out there the room door was finally opened. SN refused to dance by saying that her dressing was not suitable. ST then practiced alone in there. She kept laughing and said that she is shy while doing some belly movement in front of us. LOL. Its fun and interesting to look at her with the special belly dance skirt.

At Evening 3 of us (SN left) was having dinner at Takehana Autocity. After that we all go to Tao Lounge waiting for Panda and others to celebrate Panda birthday. The celebration was actually canceled but i insisted to go Tao as well because i wanted to listen ST's sing. I think i am the last person in the gang who never listen to her sing. Anyway, her voice is not bad, but her 2 professional partners were totally overshadowed her performance. She didnt really join us much as she went to Halo Cafe with her partners after the performance. The rest of us stay until around 2am.

Sunday's meet was a bit out of expectation. I actually reject an appointment as i was too tired the night before and furthermore didnt sleep well, i planned to just stay in home for whole day. She caught me in MSN and had some chat. Suprisingly she asked me want to go out or not, alone. LOL, never has pretty girl like her take initiative to ask me out so far. Anyway i dont want to speculate anything. My experience told me higher expectation always rewards with me higher disappointment. Thus i just treat it as a normal date.

I departed from home early as i didnt want to stuck in jam. I reached her home one hour earlier than promised. She needed to help her mom for shop routines and so i waited for her in car. By the way, thats still better than stuck in terrible jam for hours right?

I brought her to Queensbay to meet Sagi and others, they are having roller skate gathering there. As she doesnt know how to skate and i didnt take dinner yet, we left the group and went for dinner. We had chat. I not sure am i too serious and affected her. She used to has a lot of crapped jokes and restless. She was quite behaved, well, for me, she looks like a different person, LOL. She was caring and gentle. Well, i did really have the feeling i was in a dating, LOL. The last time i had kind of feeling is more than 1.5 years ago, while i shopping with LT.

After dinner we met the group again. They were playing video games. After that we had supper together and eventually dismissed around 12am. I sent her back to gurney home. I lost a little bit on the way back and lastly reached home at 1am. Extremely tired but couldnt sleep tight again. Arggghh.. sure die in office.

Anyway, the weekend will be one of most memorable weekend in my life.

Its better to be smart from the beginning than complain at the end

I was thinking of LT last night when i lying on bed for sleep. I wonder why i miss her again instead of caroline. Maybe i have to admit that i still love her very much. Anyway, it was a bit surprised that i got her sms at the moment i almost fallen sleep. She never sms me at such time so i was a bit worry and called her back. But she gave me some funny thing.

She is still busybody as she used to be, helping her friend (i think might be her colleague), as a middle-woman bettwen her friend and her friend's husband's mistress, oh my god sound so complicated, LOL. She wanted me to help her to edit a sms to curse that mistress for having affair with the guy, as requested by her friend. I felt so funny and really, speechless. Anyway, i draft her a sms according to her requirement, with wickedly and nusty words, LOL, which i never use for tenth of years.

She asked me, why guys like to find other women out there. I didnt reply her, because i know she wont understand even though she knows what i wanna say is correct.

We all know that good marriage comes from well communication, responsible manner, sincerity and of course passion (or people prefer to call is as 'feel'). Love should, yes, essentially it should, grows with the attendant of all the four elements. But people in modern world are still ignorant about this, yet, you can hear everyday people complaining "I know what is love, you are the one dont understand me". Duh.

People always confuse love with passion. Passion should be an element that grow along with communication, responsible, and sincerity, and thus love will be solidated. However, what i observed, most of the time people will just focus only on the passion element, and expect communication, responsible, and sincerity grow on it. Guy and girl which able to communicate well and sincere will be categorize as friend, with reason 'no feel'; while for the one who cant communicate with but have feel, people will 'try to do everything with hope that one day in future they able to communicate'. Its ok you might not agree with my thought, but thats fine. We all claim that people dont understand us right? LOL.

Anyway, what i am trying to say is, women always let passion element control them and tends to take risk on the other elements, especially sincerity. Most of us never realise that passion makes us blind, once we get controlled by passion, we tend to convince ourselves 'he/she is sincere', even though we not really sure. I saw a lot of responsible and sincere guys out there while women complaining 'all guys are suck'; i also have seen many couples that living happily after tenths years of marriage. But i agree, i seen even much more couples break up always or divorce like nobody business. I dont know, maybe you can tell me why.

New friends

Last saturday Ik Tse invited me to attend a forum of public transport for disabled group. In the forum i understood that how malaysia authority overlook the needs of disabled group on public transport. Public transport, especially bus service which is cheap, is so important for us to survive, due to the fact that most of us cant really drive, yet not rich enough to afford taxi to travel around. I not sure how effective is such a forum can gain attention of authority, even public. But i think it is necessary to do something, to fight for the right.

In the forum i saw various types of disabled people voiced out their needs, included blinds, deaf, wheelchair bounded personnel, intellectual disturbed personnel, and of course celebral palsy member. If you followed my blog before you would know i am a cp member.

I get know quite some disabled friends there especially Anne, ChinChin and Yin Tsang (who been introduced afterward by Anne through MSN). By knowing them i realised how lucky i am due to my mild condition comparing them. In fact my situation when i was young was pretty worse than now. But because of my parents efforts, and with some luck i able to minimize the effects of cp in my life.

Anyway, i am happy to know them, as my new friends.

88 Lighting

88 Lighting was opened yesterday. The open ceremony was performed in buffet style and, was crowded. I think there were at least 300-400 people, David claimed that there were 700-800 people, but i wonder whether that was a bit exaggerated. The big boss, Mr.Lau and his partner were there. Many friends like Hans, Ken, Pyen, Beibei, Cindy and others were there too. Quite many guests drove big and expensive luxurious car, which easily hit 200k and above. There was a sport car costs 600k if not mistaken. Anyway, the ceremony was consider nice and succeed. Wish their business will be great.

A bursting bubble

I think Caroline just treat me a normal friend, or maybe just a brother? hmmm.... its ok, maybe i think too much, or maybe i shdnt expect anything from the first place.

Anyway, still quite care and missing about her. Hopefully everything will be fine on her after she go KL.

女人，真的知道自己要什么吗？

多数我接触过的女生都曾经和我说过女人选择男朋友最重要的是有诚意和有责任感，经济条件嘛能养家活口就够了。同时，也有不少女生表示太有钱，太帅，和太口花花的男人都不怎么靠得住，所以会尽量避免。可是，在外面混了两年，我却发觉绝大多数女生选择男朋友时，所运用的标准和她们所说的完全都不符合。

女生选择男朋友，很多时候靠得，其实就是虚无缥缈，所谓的“感觉”。而所谓的感觉，其实根本没有准则。有些女生对金钱有感觉，有些女生对温柔的谈吐有感觉，有些女生对迷人的样貌有感觉，有些女生对灿烂的笑容有感觉。。。。更复杂一点，可能只有在某个时间，某个地点，对的气氛下，一个不经意的举动也可能让一个对你厌恶非常的女生疯狂的爱上你。。。。

而那些女生们侃侃而谈的择偶条件呢？ 。。。。 经济条件在一次又一次的柴米油盐酱醋茶面前变成了主角；男朋友的样貌品味忽然好朋友的男友面前比较之下让自己觉得尴尬；而诚意和责任感，只有在发现他抱着另一个女人的时候，才显得格外重要。。。。

而受过伤之后，是否会让她们变得更加善于戴眼识人呢？ 很多的例子告诉我，不！ 很多女人，最终还是会掉进自己的感觉（或者第六感？）陷阱里。

女人们，真的知道自己要些什么吗？ 如果知道，又为什么一再而再的往反方向行走呢？ 我，百思不得其解

Caroline Farewell

We did a farewell meet for Caroline tonight. Quite number of people were came like coffee bean, kenny, cole, panda, adeline, egg and sagi. LHKPop was dropby to pass Caroline a birthday gift. Unfortunately i was lost my voice tonight and so didnt sing much songs. Caroline was sit beside me, but most of the time she was talking with sagi and her bf. I didnt talk much with her actually. I think i have seriously communication problem to the girl i like in public. Anyway, the overall program was succeed.

I sent Caroline a mobile phone sack which i bought from Tesco this afternoon. Well, after i back to office i only realised the sack may be too small as it just merely fit my mobile phone, while Caroline mobile phone is bigger than mine. Luckily her mobile is still reluctantly fit into the sack. But i think she wont use the sack as she always receive a lot of sms and call, it is inconvenient to wrap and unwrap the phone from it.

She is going to KL in 9 days. How far we can go? hmm....

The best confession

I confessed to Caroline today that i like her. I think this is the best confession i ever had so far because it is just a purely informing rather than proposing. We can chat without any embarassment after that and i believe that she wont intentionally avoid me later. Anyway, i dont put much hope that i can be her bf one day as i know she always has a lot of better choices out there waiting for her. I just want to let her know that i like her, thats all. Its quite relax after the confession and i feeling good now.

T-Junction, left or right?

Recently me n Carolyn suddenly become closer, talk and chat quite frequent.

Last monday i was went out with her, WW, kingfisher, kenny and conney. In fact i was just thought to bring her alone go gurney plaza for playing games as a farewell, as she is going to KL for study for 2 years. But since she was keen to meet conney before she go back Ipoh, i invited the others as well to make the date in group and thus been more cheerful.

Well, she was slimmed down after exam, which i noticed it since at Kenny bak kut teh gathering. Her dressing and actions were cute. Several times she slowed down her steps to walk beside me while the rest walking in front of me, well, i used to walk following gang. Maybe i was just be sensitive, but what happened between us recently had made my feeling towards her which i buried since few months ago after i got know she is admiring one of my friend, reveals again.

Few months ago, the time seem right, but i am not the one attracted her. Now, I not sure whether she is still admiring my friend. But since she is going to KL, i have kind of feeling that it is too late for me to do anything. Furthermore, everything may just because i was too sensitive or thinking too much.

She is a nice girl, and i know i have some feel on her. But, is the time now right for us? hmm.... fate always like to make fun of me..

Bak Kut Teh gathering (28 April 2007)

Kenny cooked bak kut teh personally for us on the day as he finally realised his promise since few months ago. There were around 30 ppl in his house waited for his dishes that night. The bak kut teh is very nice, i ate 2 big bowls of rice (one bowl was actually from Caroline as she could finish hers), i think that was the biggest meal i ever had since i came Penang for 2+ years.

1st May

It is a holiday today, but i didnt go out. I watched Naruto the whole afternoon, LOL... Even though its a boring holiday, but quite relax...

ML - An unpolished pearl

I knew ML 2 months ago, 8th or 9th February? i forgot about it.... Anyway, that was a dinner invited by LH (my ex-coursemate) to introduce some girls to me and Aric, sweat... well, its harmless to know more girls right? hehe.. However, Aric was stuck at work and absent.

There were 8 of us, me and LH, then the 6 girls he invited. Well, as an insurance agent, he explored USM a lot and get know a lot of students there. All the 6 girls are USM students (except 1 left USM a year ago to KL). We went to fetch them at Sg.Dua. As LH's car couldnt fit all the girls and so 2 of them were allocated into my car, May and ML. I didnt really check out their look properly that time, its quite unpolite and embarassing doing that for first meet. But May is quite fashion and extrovert comparing ML who wearing quite normal and quiet. We had some talk along the way to Tj.Tokong, which made the differences between them became significant.

LH introduced the rest of girls to me during dinner, CC, WL, Fern, and HL. Comparing the other 5 girls, ML is not outstanding. She is small size, quiet, and behaved. Only during the end of the dinner she came and sit in front of me and we talked a few words. I didnt really contact them after that except chat once a while with ML through messenger.

The second time i met ML again was last week, 2 months after first meet. I dated LH, ML for dinner, and LH brought Kelly (salute LH, plenty of resources, LOL). LH and Kelly talked most of the time, while me and ML listened. I sent ML home after the dinner as Kelly is living in Balik Pulau which is not on the same way. We had some talk along the way. The image she gave me is quite nice.

LH and other friends who busybody enough to know about the dinner buzz me a lot recently to court her. LH described me her characters and highly recommend her to me, LOL... By the way, I still not sure what to do yet. Maybe i need some time to pick up my courage again.

Well, i am not so desperate for girl

Is 26 yrs old crossing the final alert level for getting a girl friend? i not sure why but i keep on nagged by my friends recently to get a girl friend as soon as possible. They keep on introducing girls to me, or keep on encouraging me to court Miss A or Miss B or whatever girl who is single. Oh my god.... (-_-") even my junior far from Johor do the same thing to through messenger... arghhhhh....

Anyway, I am not really desperate for girl now as few years back. Maybe i had lost my confident in courting girl after so many times of failure; or maybe i had became more conservative in building relationship to protect myself.... isnt money a more reliable partner?

A pray for a baby

LT told me last night her sis, Audrey had delivered her first baby in US. However, the baby is suffering in ICU now as he is found lack of oxygen for his brain part after delivery, which is quite similar to the case i experienced during my birth. This is sad news for all of us, i think, as the chance for him to catch celebral palsy like me is significant.

They are not able to contact Audrey for some time as she never reply their mails and sms. I believe that she is just too sad and busying with her baby treatment, while try to keep herself alone to think of what she should do next. I dont know how to console LT, or maybe i dont need to. She is always strong, isnt she?

I very much understand how difficult for a parents to raise a celebral palsy baby. This remind me that how much of suffer my parents experienced to raise me up. Yet i cant really serve them nicely until now. They are aging. How long time more i need to use to get them a good daughter-in-law which they are long waited? how long time more i need to use to earn much enough money to send them touring around the world?

I even more understand how difficult to live as a celebral palsy patient in this world. I really hope that he will be alright, or at least, able to walk independently without any tool assistants. You will never know how much of shit i carrying in my life, its sucks! Every thing, life, work, study, friends, love, i may need to give double, tripple, or even more to get same result like others. What i can expect as i am in a losing position at the starts of everything? I dont want him to be like me, or worse, i hope he is the lucky one. US is well developed for its medical system, this should help, hopefully.

Lets pray....

Second Life

I get know about Second Life from company website. Their server are powered by my company processor. Basically SL is a virtual world. We can register and customize a avatar in there which representing ourselves. We can set our look in very detailed way. Eyes, nose, mouth, lips, hairs, body, hands, legs, cheek, chest, chin, ear, cloths, accessories... this make every individual in SL is unique. We can do everything inside just like what we doing everyday. Building, buying, selling, chatting, working... its simulate everything in actual life, while added a lot of fantasy element like fly, dont you want to fly in real life? now you can do it in your Second Life!

Below is me in SL, am I handsome? LOL

Private investigation in Ipoh

I went to Ipoh with kingfisher yesterday to for a mission - take photo of bean's gf.... hehehe.

After 27 yrs, Bean eventually found a gf, who is living near Ipoh. - Gopeng. Everyone is curious to know who the girl is. The early information we obtained was the girl is 22 yrs old and is a clerk.

We departed 11am from Juru and reach Ipoh around 1pm. After that we fetched Conney from her house, along with my little cute gf, Coey, haha. This poor little girl had fever the day before and still looked tired.

At 2pm, we met up Kenny at McD, then we started to trail Bean to Gopeng. At Gopeng, we parked our car one street away from the place he park his car. He walked here and there at corridor. We were worried he would notice us. There were 2 times he walked towards our direction and made us retreat our car immediately from there to other place, LOL. It was fun.

He then went up to the girl house and we only could wait down there. After 40 minutes of wait we surrendered. Furthermore Coey was cried as Kingfisher 'over joke' with her until she felt threaten. We then gave up and left Gopeng as we didnt know how long Bean was going to stay inside. We to Kampar for famous Bread Curry Chicken and then back to Ipoh to drop Coey.

At night, we had our dinner in Jusco and then drove around Ipoh to check out this one of the earliest established city in Malaysia. Just right before we wanted to leave Ipoh Bean called Kenny for dinner, along with her gf. LOL, we all thought we failed our mission.

Then me and Kingfisher appeared there as a coincidence, which we went to taiping for some tasks and then went Ipoh as we knew Kenny was there. He seem believed in our story. We took his gf photo and mission accomplished. His gf is fair and pretty, looks smart. He is a lucky guy now and we all wish him can secure this girl for the rest of his life.

We departed from Ipoh back to Penang around 10.30pm and reach around 12.30am. Exhausted.

相见离你太远，思念离我太近

I reading a book name "寂寞之歌" (aka Lonely) by 藤井树 (Hiyawu) which i borrowed from YS. There is a part about how his father courted his mom.

His father visited the shop owned by his grandma and his mom was helped there. His father approached his grandma and asked directly "I would like to know your daughter, do you mind to introduce her to me?" LOL... how straightforward this guy was.

What do you think his grandma would do? introduced? not introduced? LOL, the answer is neither of them. His grandma didnt hear his father request ... oh my god...

Then? .. I really salute this guy.. He made the request again! without any shame and worriness. This time his grandma heard him and answered "she is not my daughter"

Next? You cant believe it.. His father said "Thats great. You introduce her to me, if I marry her one day, i will reward you" .... Oh my. i feel dizzy.... Anyway, he able to get knew her name at the end. However he had to leave the place for work in other district.

After a year, his father came back during his break. He spent few days found the girl (the writer's mom), just to tell her "Sorry, I taken you photo last year when i first met you at the shop. I left this place for work for almost one year. Please forgive me because 相见离你太远，思念离我太近"

Ya, I believe, most of the girl would surrender. ...

相见离你太远，思念离我太近 - i experience the same situation a well. But, i will have no chance to tell her. LOL

F**k

Eveytime would only have sadness, angriness, disappointment... f**k... cant give me other thing?!

An aggressive move

I had decided to take an aggressive move on my financial plan. Instantly this move will make my immediate financial status becoming worse, but i believe the risk is worth as the return can be high if i able to withstand myself until end of July without anything significant happens which requiring money. Anyway, if the worst case happens, i may need to do something that i dont like to do ... Ya, i really hate to do that... i did it once few weeks ago, the feeling, is really sucks!

Parents Visit

My parents visited me from Johor last friday. They came to check out my life here while help me to do some cleaning in my room. On Saturday they bought me a new mattress. Then I brought them to Lunas for duck rice with Kenny and kingfisher. At night, i brought them to Queensbay mall for dinner. On sunday night, i brought them to seafood restaurant near my house here and there tesco for shopping. Well, sound little boring to them. But they was came to Penang several times before and already visited most places here. I asked Agnes to bring us around to hunt for delicous food but too bad she was not free on Sunday.

Anyway, hopefully i can earn more money in short time so my mom can no need to work anymore and i able to send them to have tour in other countries.

Heal the World

"Heal The World"
by Michael Jackson


There's A Place
InYour Heart
And I Know That It Is Love
And This Place Could Be Much Brighter Than Tomorrow

And If You Really Try
You'll Find There's No Need To Cry
In This Place You'll Feel There's No Hurt Or Sorrow

There Are Ways To Get There
If You Care Enough For The Living
Make A Little Space Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

If You Want To Know Why
There's A Love That Cannot Lie
Love Is Strong It Only Cares For Joyful Giving

If We Try We Shall See
In This Bliss We Cannot Feel
Fear Or Dread We Stop Existing And Start Living

Then It Feels That Always
Love's Enough For Us Growing
So Make A Better World Make A Better World...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

And The Dream We Were Conceived In Will Reveal A Joyful Face
And The World We Once Believed In Will Shine Again In Grace
Then Why Do We Keep Strangling Life
Wound This Earth Crucify Its Soul
Though It's Plain To SeeThis World Is Heavenly
Be God's Glow

We Could Fly So High
Let Our Spirits Never Die
In My Heart I Feel You Are All My Brothers

Create A World With No Fear
Together We'll Cry Happy Tears
See The Nations Turn Their Swords Into Plowshares

We Could Really Get There
If You Cared Enough For The Living
Make A Little Space To Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

RM200k

I was really shocked last night when i know that IT having RM200k as her savings, while owning a loaned house which will be cleared in coming 3 years, and a small Perodua Kelisa, hehe... She only works as stewardess for 3 years, can you imaging how high their salary is?

I am wondering when i can get so much of money.

A name on net

KweiJang called me yesterday and he told me that i can actually search my name in google, ya, my actual name as printed on my IC. I was very surprised and wondered why my name was listed on net, because i never posted anything with that name. I searched through google with my nickname before and i found quite number of posts which i post previously on few forums.

This made me thought that he was bluffing me. I typed my name in google for verification and it really came back with few webpages which has my name appears. ==" They are all actually the information regarding my master research before, which published previously on IEEE, UTM, and intel.

But there was a page attracted me. My name was listed on a celcom webpage. By opening it i found that i was been listed to have a pen from celcom for first 100 customers who reload phone credit through MayBank2u. Unfortunately, the page was expired January last year! LOL

One more night

Another night, i missing LT so much.. feel want to hug her, want to kiss her so much... LOL... "i love you", only can whisper in my mind

Broke Up

I just finished an old movie call "Broke up". It gives me a lot of confuses and thinking. Relationship is really complicated as human are complicated. Most of the time we are not realizing that we are using a wrong way to express ourselves to people surrounding us, especially our beloved. We always want, or at least hope that others would do the way as we expected, or ... as we wanted?? rather than accept who they are now. I still cant understand why Brooke choose to break up with Gary at the end of the movie, as both of them knowing they are loving each other, and both of them willing to accept each other as they are.

Another main theme of the movie is appreciate what your beloved do for you. Well, thats what most people lack of right? .... hmm...

Salary increment confirmed

I had my pay letter just now, after 2 weeks of waiting and worriness. Finally i been confirmed that my salary will be increased next month. Hehe... this helps a lot to overcome my financial problem...

http://muffinsoup.blogdrive.com/

hey, visit the blog if you wanna hang little bit smile on your face. Thats one of my little cute junior's blog. She did really impress me a lot during my time in UTM. I had never seen a person who can laugh or smile almost every second she falls into my eyes. I hope so much i can do that as well. I like her blog very much, though i not really have time to visit it often. The way she write is really crap ! LOL..... Good luck to your final year project and graduate as planned. Dont drop the lovely smile from your face, my little cute Queen of Mars. Nah.

Money vs Human

Suddenly feel that i trust money much more than human. I feel so unsecure without money. Well, there was a time that i treat money just as a tool and confident on human relationship. But after seen so much of thing i find out that human relationship is so fragile. Yeah, sometime, secure some money handy is crucial. Friends can do a lot of thing that money might not able to do; but if even friends cant help much, money is the last thing you can rely on along with ur family .... (well, dont talk about god here)

Playboy test

I did a playboy test which my friend forwarded to me... result => my playboy percentage is 0% !!!

What a ridiculous test.. Didnt i say that i am in progress of becoming a playboy? ... ... ahhh... ... funny result

Egg's Birthday (17/3/07)

Egg treated us buffet dinner in EverGreen hotel for his birthday celebration. Me, Kingfisher, Panda, Jayz, Tze lin and Zhenlin were attended the dinner. The food was consider nice and I had myself very full until couldnt really walk for quite long time (-_-")

My driving license (Second stage - In Penang)

There are 3 people that i must mentioned here, which help me a lot in getting my driving license in Penang. They are Yenhui, Azlida and of course LT.

For the first few months i worked in Penang i took taxi to company everyday. My car was driven by my brother to Penang and then was just put there in front the house i rent here within the period. The fee i paid for taxi was RM500 per month, which is a big amount.

After around 4 months i was worked in Penang, LT agreed to help me in getting my driving license. First she taught me how to drive. This made her the very first person i drove in my life. :) After that Yenhui and Azlida sent me to JPJ in Penang for getting approval to attend driving course in institute, as LT went to KL for job interview. After few times of 'unnecessary' visit to JPJ and institute (due to their inefficiency), eventually i got myself registered to the course. LT was the person helped me settled all the registration and documentation required.

Everything then went on smoothly. I attended all courses, theory and practical. But the week before my practical exam i only been told that i need to buy extra insurance for my car as i was using it for exam. Luckily Kangboon and LT were there and helped me for that. My exam was postponed for one month due to the insurance documentation.

At last, I got my driving license in September 2005.

Hunting for money

Last night Kenny and Kingfisher found out that i had given such a huge amount of loan to my friends. Kenny nagged me for half an hour that my heart is too soft and should take care of my own money well. I have to agree him that i should be strict to my friends for hunting my money back. I having kind of serious financial problem now and if everything do not go smoothly as planned my savings will drop below one thousand end of next week. Thats very critical situation to me if my family asking extra money from me or anything urgent happens.

Sometime, i may need to be cruel even to my own friends, to avoid putting myself in miserable situation like now. Is this call selfish? sigh....

My driving license (First stage - In Johor Bahru)

I got my driving license at September 2005. I believed that was the biggest achievement in my life so far. However the process of getting it was not easy at all.

It was my dream to drive since i enterred university. However, I know that my parents would not allow me to try it. Thats why i never mention this to them until the last year of my degree study.

It was the time i got call for interview from Altera in Penang. Even though my parents were worry about my life here, but they let me tried with the interview as they understood that my job opportunity was limited. After i came back from the interview, i raised up about my wish to get a driving license as transportation is the most critical issue have to be settle if i would work in Penang. However, they still not allowed my to do so and suggested me to hire an indonesean drive etc. to overcome this issue. Anyway, it might be a destined that i failed to get the job offer and so, this topic was dropped as well.

As i was failed in the interview, i felt that degree is not enough for me to get a job. I rejected call for interview from Intel Penang and decided to pursuit my master degree through research in my university. With great luck i managed to get a project which sponsored by Intel while having another government scholarship as well. Therefore i managed to save an good amount of money within the period of my research. At the end of my research, i managed to secure a job in Intel Penang. So i raised up my wish of getting driving license again to my parents, after a proper survey on the process of getting it.

Eventually my parents was agreed to let me try on it, as they realised i had done a lot of survey and abled to buy a car myself. On the first stage of getting my license, i must say thanks here to my junior. She was the person who fetched me to hospital to initiate the process of driving accessment. She also the first person who gave me full support in getting driving license before my parents did.

But the process was not go smoothly. I failed my first accessment. I was supposed to get myself a modified car which suit for my physical capability for the accessment. However, i had no idea where to get such car and so my father driven my brother's proton saga to hospital. Furthermore, it was a manual gear car without power steering. First i failed to turn the steering within the duration required, failed to shift my leg from accelerator pedal to brake with the speed required, couldnt change gear freely and failed to do some other actions that required.

The doctor was very reluctant to passs me. However, she said she salutes my determination and thus gave one more chance and wanted me to bring an automatic gear car for second accessment. In fact i was almost gave up and not really felt wanted to go for the second accessment. But since we had made the appointment so we just went for the second accessment next day without any expectation. After i finished all the action required, the doctor had a discussion with her assistant and eventually announced that i barely passed the accessment. This announcement was really surprised me and i was almost cried. :)

With the doctor's approval i went to the JPJ (Transport and Roads Council) to apply for the driving course and hoped that i abled to get my license in 2 months time before my first day of report to Intel. The JPJ guy seem no confident on me and refuse to approve me to register for driving course. However, according to procedure they have to approve me as i already got the doctor's approval. That guy even question the doctor's judgement and ask me dont risk my life to drive. After very long time of confrontation they eventually changed their talk. I was shocked that they told me i have to get my ownself a car which was modified and suit for my accessment. I was been understood that the driving school would provide me with such car but they told me not, Without other choice i have to buy myself a car.

The problem i faced that time was whether i want to risk my money for it. After discussion with family i decided to give it a try. If i fail to get license then my parents can have the car. I spent around 1 month to select, buy, and modify my car. I bought a Perodua Kenari which is very suitable to me. I practiced drive around my home under my father guidance but result was not encouraging. As the time left was not enough for me to complete the driving course as well, i decided to bring my car to Penang and get my driving license here.

MCB Thesis

I saw someone put his display name in msn as "MCB Thesis". I not really sure who is him and so i sent him a message asking him if he is doing his thesis for master degree, since MCB seem like a code name for a master degree course. He replied me that why he must doing a master degree thesis but not a diploma level of thesis? i told him the reason, and ask him what is MCB.....

He said ==" .... MCB = Ma Ci Bai ..... *faint*..


note : Ma Ci Bai - a bad word in mandarin which refer to female private

Getting worse.... hang on for another 12 days

Last night my financial condition was became little bit worse. However, the cash on hand seem still enough to use and survive until my salary which coming 12 days later. Wish me luck.

If love you is a mistake, then i hope that i would never be right

One of my net friend send the link below,

http://www.oicq88.com/999/love3.htm

the song is not bad, but what attracted me was not the story, its conclusion did.

"If love you is a mistake, then i hope that i would never be right; If i would lose you because i am right, then i rather mistake forever"

Very romantic huh ... but, how many people in this realistic world will really appreciate it? ... You might even been called stupid, silly if you voice this statement out publicly... maybe even the one you love, will say the same thing... of course, couples in love excluded...

Besides that, there is a chart at the end of the page. It listed out 5 possible scenarios that might happen if you fall in love on someone. But they are all end up with same ending -> 'miserable' . How sad is that.... Even though i not really agree that love will only bring miserable, but i have no point to argue it, because i myself now is miserable as well....

Serious financial crisis

Due to some reasons i facing very serious financial crisis now. My 2 bank accounts now only left around 1k+. This is the lowest level i ever had since 5 years ago. I hope that there will not have any emergency matter that requires money encounter me in short period. By carefully managing my cash flow i think i will be able pass through this crisis safely... wish me luck ya

Fell Down again ... (7/3/07)

Well, i fell down again. Wounded my chin. I went out with YS after teambuilding to Queensbay for dinner and maybe movie afterward. I had been wanted to watch "The pursuit of Happiness" long time ago but never had chance to get someone go for it. Most of the people like to watch commercial movies with a lot of actions and virtual effects. The moment we reached Queensbay car park we met Huey Wen and Kok Lim. They went for GSC as well for Protege.

The accident came after i parked my car and came down. My walker was not locked properly and it collapsed after i hold the handle. I not remember what i knocked but i could see my blood dropped from my chin on the floor. Shit... i knew that i broke my chin again. YS seem very nervous and passed some tissue to me. She stopped a car and a couple inside came for help me up. They agreed to bring me and YS to hospital. Well, YS drove the car as my chin was still bleeding.

The doctor who take care of me is Dr.Khoo, who is a very funny guy. He is professional and knows how to distract me from pain while stitching my wound. My chin was splitted at the same location as last time, which is even bigger than that. He said that i having 2 mouths and can eat more, LOL.

i admitted to hospital for for one night as a procedure to claim my company medical card. I may properly able to claim for my Personal Accident policy as well, which is around 800+ bucks.. hehe

Stupid upgrade

Blogger upgraded my blog, well, i dont know what they did. But all my posts and sidebars which are editted in mandarin became aliens characters which are not recognizable. I sent a post to admin for troubleshooting and hopefull can be solve soon. They should do it properly for upgrade and not affect the qualify too much. This is just will ruin their reputation.

Kingfisher and Kenny birthday (2/3/07)

Kingfisher and Kenny having birthday on same day which is 3rd March. We went to SOHO in Juru for their celebration, at the same to finish the Chivas i kept in SOHO for 2 months long. I reached there around 8.30pm and Kingfisher and Sagi reached around 15 minutes later. We decided to settle our dinner in Subway. Surprisingly the supervisor in Subway is Sagi's friend and we took opportunity to fool around there. Caroline, Wei wei, and Pop reached after 20minutes; then is Kee, Chamelleon, Panda and Adeline. Me and Kee went into SOHO first to secure a table while the rest waiting Kenny outside. SOHO was fulled downstairs, without choices we had to go upstairs.

Irene joined us a short while later, after 4 months since out last meet. I felt she gained weight but i wonder why David keep saying she look sick and lost a lot of weight. After that we started to play, chat, drink, took photograph and dance. Kenny brought his friend Pauline together. After that David came with Bei Bei, and Cindy. As they not really know the rest of people, the brought Irene and Kee to Tao opposite SOHO. The birthday cake was made by Caroline, we finished it even though was not really tasty, hehe... I think i drank a lot that night but i wonder why i have no much feel of getting drunk. Is that my alcohol withstand level improved after so many months of training? haha .... We left around 2am.